Whatever Souls Are Made Of
by Lautari
Summary: Wolf pack vignettes
1. Construction Not Destruction

He stood at the entrance to the trees for a long time. It was only a thin strip of forest, about a half a mile wide, with a well beaten path that he could trudge with his eyes closed. The path also represented a fern lined timeline of his life, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to look back yet. The fort he'd built with Jared in grade school was being reclaimed by the forest. At first he fought it, replacing boards and adding tin to the roof, but there were some things that needed to be let of to disappear into the past.

 _Emily grinned at the tire swing while they barbequed on a lazy Sunday and gave it a gently nudge. Always so gentle. "Push me?" she called across the yard._

 _The smile disappeared from Sam's face and he heard Leah's strangled breath behind him on the porch. She sat on his back steps with her legs stretched out as she always had when there was a little sunlight breaking through the clouds. He regained his smile and shook his head, turning the sausages without looking up. "No one's been on that swing for a long time. The branch has seen better days. Been trying to keep the whole thing from falling apart, but it's too rickety."_

" _Then just let it go," Leah hissed, standing, letting the door slam behind her when she disappeared inside._

 _The rest of the pack groused, muttering complaints they would never say in her presence. Except Jared. He eyed his friend sympathetically over his cup. He knew._

 _And Seth. His little Seth, whose hero worship had transferred to Jacob and Cullen, was torn between loyalties. He regarded Sam almost fearfully now. He looked between Sam and the house until Sam nodded - it's okay. The boy's shoulders relaxed and Sam plopped a sausage on a plate and added relish and mustard. It was how Leah always had hers. Seth smiled softly and grabbed the plate along with his and ran around to the front where he knew his sister was._

He had let it go.

The paint was chipping and a few boards were hanging from the platform by a few rusty nails. The ladder was still sturdy though. Harry Clearwater had brought some lumber and a tool belt the summer Sam's dad took off. _"I'll get you started," Harry said, his larger hands engulfing Sam's small ones while they held the board steady and he helped guide the hammer. "You can finish it. I know you want to hit something, and that's okay. But clobbering the Cameron boy isn't something I'll allow, even if I'm not your dad. Whenever you're angry, you come out here with this hammer and build something. Construction not destruction. And you're going to do it with Jared."_

Sam swallowed, remembering the dearest man he'd ever known. He'd dragged Harry over to show him once they were finished and Leah trailed behind her father. Her eyes lit up and Harry had grinned, giving the tire swing a nudge and winked. _"Nice touch. Procured from Billy, I presume?"_

Sam only grinned and then held it, telling Leah to hop on.

Over the years, the fort had seen its fair share of use and abuse. From going to second base with Leah the first time, to Seth, the little shadow, being knocked backward and to the ground while the older boys roughhoused. Sam barely remembered picking up the screaming eight year old, and flying through the woods to the Clearwater house, not even taking the path. Sam was sure they'd killed him and was hiding at the scene of the crime when Harry showed. _"The bouncing baby boy bounces," he called. "He's alright, Sam. Let me see you."_

 _He slowly scooted to the edge and let his feet dangle. "It's all my fault," he said miserably._

" _It was Jared's elbow," Harry said wryly. "You take on to much responsibility. It's a broken arm it'll heal. I know you'd never intentionally hurt him. Though I'd say you boys are getting too big to be all piled up there."_

Sighing, he gave the tire a gentle pat and brushed past. The path was still worn, but the lack of use in the past year was showing. Like the fort, it was being overtaken by the dense foliage. The last time he cut through to the Clearwater house this way was the night he broke up with Leah. He left her crying on the porch with tears down his own cheeks, trying to make it to the tree line without phasing. He managed to stay in control, but paced all night just out of sight of the house, wrestling with his soul. Leah didn't sleep that night either, he watched her pace and stare out her window as if she could see him staring back. Maybe she was trying to see him, find him, like he knew she had the weeks he was missing.

Sam called her and Jared as soon as he could after walking out of the woods. He was pretty sure she left the receiver dangling when she heard his voice. He found out later Sue had to grab Seth by the back of the shirt to keep him from following. He met her halfway when she crashed into him. "I'm sorry," he whispered into her neck. She was crying and slapping at him, but there was no heat behind the strikes. She ran her hand through his recently shorn hair, his old strands still on his bathroom floor and sink with brambles tangling them. With his new hearing, he heard Jared yelling for him when his piece of shit care screeched to a halt in his yard, getting closer as he called. He knew where he'd be.

Only a handful of weeks later, Harry would stumble across him crouched on a log.

" _Is she okay?"_

 _The older man nearly jumped out of his skin and dropped the flashlight he wielded. "You nearly gave me a heart attack, Samuel!"_

 _Sam wrung his hands. "Is she?"_

 _Harry eyed him. "She will be."_

 _Sam nodded and sunk down on his haunches and held his head in his hands. "I'm sorry," he sobbed._

 _Harry gripped the back of his neck and squeezed. "I know. I know you'd never intentionally hurt her. I'm the one that's sorry."_

He fought the lump in his throat that still burned. He hadn't ventured here since. It was no longer his place to fly into the yard and throw open the back door like he owned the place. Now he knocked or rang, taking the extra time to take the road. He paused for strength when the little home came into view. Seth was waiting for him on the porch, knowing he was there before he materialized.

The kid was nervous, but crossed his arms. Sam kept his in his pockets to show no aggression. "Where's Leah?" he asked as he approached.

"Not here."

"Surliness doesn't suit you." They stared each other down as Sam climbed the steps slowly, in a predatory manner, as only an alpha can.

Seth uncrossed his arms and stepped back, stood his ground and glared at him. His hands shook though. "I'm not going to let you hurt my sister."

Sam froze. "What?"

Seth clenched his fists. "You stay away from her. I'm not going to let you hurt her."

"Seth, that is the last thing I ever wanted to do."

"Bullshit!"

"Hey!" Sam grabbed him by the shirt front. "Not out of you."

The two glared at each other until the fight left the younger one. "Just go, Sam. You don't belong here anymore."

"Seth…"

"I said go!" He backed away and pointed as he spoke. "You left us, so I left you!"

Sam was angry again _. "What?"_ he growled.

"You left us!"

"I never left! I've always been _right here!_ I didn't get to leave! I didn't get to go to college, I didn't get to marry your sister, I didn't get to say goodbye to Harry! I've been _here_! _You_ left the pack."

He'd taken a step toward the boy with every word and Seth was now backed into the railing. Seth was defiant though, clearly a Clearwater trait. "We were family before there ever was a pack," he said, quietly.

Sam abruptly turned and walked off the porch, but Seth wasn't finished with him. The kid clearly had a death wish. "Hey," he yelled leaning over the rail. What would you have done if Jake hadn't imprinted?"

Sam spun around. "Huh?"

"What would you have done to us to get to Bella's baby?"

Sam had trouble answering. He'd been torturing himself with the same question, pushing away the look on Sue's face when he'd marched out of Billy's house. "I don't know," he said, honestly. "I would've done what I felt I needed to do to keep the tribe safe." The tired answer fell flat even on his ears. The words sounded empty.

"Right." Seth sounded too bitter and too much like his sister. He was actually _disappointed_ in Sam.

It was suddenly too much. "What do you want from me?" he begged.

Seth leapt over the rail and shoved him. "I want this to be over!" he screeched. "I want my sister to be happy again. I want people to stop dying!" He shoved Sam again. "I want my dad back! I want _you_ back!"

He struck Sam's chest repeatedly and there would be bruising. Sam let him. The punishment felt good. Seth hit him until he collapsed against his chest and Sam hugged him. Seth had been forgotten in all this. He was suffering and Sam hadn't noticed. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely, into the boy's hair. "I want your dad back too."

Seth wrapped his arms around him tighter and keened lowly. He had been Sam's little brother before Sam realized he might actually have a little brother. He didn't know if he'd ever be sure of his relationship to Embry Call, but Harry Clearwater had helped him build more than a fort that summer all those years ago.

"Harry would be proud of you," Sam said, gripping the back of Seth's neck and squeezing.

Of Sam? He was betting not so much.


	2. Familiarity Breeds Dissension

Jacob was surprised to see Sam in the entrance of the garage. Sam's broad shoulders and hard footsteps didn't make him stealthy before phasing and after…well, he'd never be known for tiptoeing. Sue Clearwater had called him a "bull in a china closet" once and it was an accurate description. Still the chief's son had a way of getting lost in an engine, especially when something was on his mind or eating at him. They regarded each other stonily until Sam made the first move and held out his hand. Relief flooded Jake's eyes and he accepted the shake. Tension had been building for months between the two and it affected the whole pack. The confrontation had been a boiling point and now they could move forward, albeit messily.

"I think you know I'm not coming back to the pack," Jake said, tapping a wrench against his palm.

Jacob might not have been born to take orders, but neither had Sam. Jake was alpha by birthright, Sam by nature. Everything he had, he built and clawed for himself. Initially, he had every intention of handing the pack over when Jake was ready, but as time passed the idea of sitting under the younger man while he took over a pack he'd built….it left a bitter taste in his mouth. As much as the other boys loved and respected Jake, he knew they felt the same. Sam had been the one to step up and lead and give the guidance that he himself hadn't had. The Clearwaters though…they belonged with Jake.

"I just came from the Clearwaters. I talked with Seth." Sam swallowed. "I know you were planning on lone wolfing it, but we both know that you sticking around now. I need you to keep Seth and Leah."

Jake frowned. "Sam…"

"I can't be their alpha." There was too much history, and they needed a clean break. He'd spent too much time at Sue's table, on Seth's bedroom floor, and in Leah's bed to command them. "We both know things have been better this way."

Jake had to admit Sam was right. "So you want to stick me with the two renegades?" he joked, referencing the siblings' obvious disregard for orders.

Sam raised an eyebrow, wryly. "I believe they're all too willing to accept you. You're their alpha. I'm just Sam."

His last sentence was a little indignant, and Jake had to laugh. "You sound a little put out."

"A little," Sam admitted with an embarrassed smile. "I helped raise that kid, now he follows you and Cullen around like a puppy."

Jake laughed again. "Hero worship isn't the same as family. Seth projects some pretty lofty ideals on me that aren't exactly attainable. He's known you his entire life and loves you for everything you ever actually been to him."

That was part of the problem. Familiarity breeds dissention among the ranks. He went from fighting over the last Popsicle in the freezer with Seth, or rolling under the sheets with Leah, to practically beating them into submission. They'd never had any fear of him before. Seth had developed it and it killed him to see the younger boy cower now. Leah though…she was absolutely defiant. Their battles were epic.

Sam slumped. "Maybe so, but that's why they can't be in the pack. I'm not 'just Sam' anymore, and I'm not able to treat them like just another pack member."

He hadn't realized that immediately. He wasn't overly surprised when he found the Clearwaters gone. Resentment had been rolling off Seth in waves and when he split, he knew Leah would follow. It still hurt like hell though. The howl he'd released was one of pain as well as anger. He nearly gave chase before Jared tackled him.

" _Let it go!" his friend told him._

" _I can't let them go!"_

" _Why?" Paul piped up. "Because she didn't choose you? You can't have your cake and eat it too!"_

 _Sam froze, and he glared incredulously at Paul who hovered over him._ _ **"What?"**_

 _Jared stood, dusting himself off without looking at him._

 _Paul squared his shoulders. "Look around, Sam. They're gone. I can't even hear them anymore. But that agony? That_ _ **god awful**_ _turmoil that we feel like it's gnawing at our souls? It's still here."_

 _Sam straightened and looked at the other wolves. They pawed at the ground nervously. He knew exactly what Paul was talking about. That intense pain that resonated through the entire pack wasn't just Leah's. It was Sam's as well. He looked at his best friend. "Jared?"_

 _Jared never had much to say about it. Before he phased, he'd torn Sam a new one over Leah. After phasing, and imprinting, he understood. But he was still just…so sad for his friends. He'd only snapped at Leah once, on a particularly hard day, but he never berated her. He left her to her pain. Sam sometimes wondered if Jared thought he deserved Leah's focused rage, his loyalty to the old days still there, buried. Jared slumped, not wanting to betray Leah or Sam. "You two rip open each other's wounds just as they scab over."_

 _Suddenly, Sam was furious. "Go get them back. I don't care what you have to do," he growled. "Get on your knees and beg if you have to. We are_ _ **one pack**_ _."_

 _Jared growled back in frustration, but did as he was told. Later, after the brief fight at the Cullens, he sat at Emily's table nursing a bite wound in his shoulder. Wounds from their own kind always took longer to heal. "Leah sends her regards," he muttered._

 _Much of Sam's anger had dissipated by then, a profound sadness in its place. "Here," he said, dipping a towel in the water in the bowl and dabbing at the wound. "Damn, she got you good."_

 _Jared hissed in pain. "Well, she wasn't impressed with my speech earlier."_

" _Sorry."_

" _For this or everything else?"_

" _Both. I'd say taking a chunk out of your hide was as close as she was going to get to mine. She needed to hit something."_

" _You're not responsible for everything you know."_

 _Sam sighed. "So I've been told." He threw the towel down. "Did you manage to see if they were okay?"_

 _Jared rolled his eyes. "They jumped us, remember? They're fine."_

 _Sam nodded and clapped his good shoulder on his way to the stairs. He knew Emily was waiting and he felt like he could sleep for a week._

" _What would you have done?" Jared asked. "Had one of us ripped into them?"_

 _Sam paused, but couldn't turn around. "I don't know."_

 _Jared shook his head and knocked over the chair when he stood. He grabbed his shirt and headed for the door. "You better figure it out. And let them go. It's over."_

"Are you going to be able to let them go?" Jake asked.

Sam blew out a haggard breath. He had to. He wanted them happy again. "Working on it. Just…take care of them for me."


	3. Our Souls Are The Same

Twilight is a fandom I've never dabbled in much, but the story surrounding Sam and Leah has always intrigued me. Tragic love is so much more interesting than the kind that gets handed to you in a neat little bow without regard for the other lives left in shambles in its wake…..cough, cough….. I'm talking to you, Edward and Bella.

…

Sam shoved his hands into his pockets and watched Leah's hair whip about in the brisk winter air. She had cut it short after the first time she phased, as if she was trying to shed Sam, her former self…what was. The first time he saw it was at Harry's funeral, and he stared a little too long. He'd always loved her hair long and silky and she glared when she caught his gaze, daring him to say something. He'd quickly looked away.

Clearing his throat to announce his presence, Leah jumped, but didn't glance up. She never did when she was painting. He used to sit next to her in this very spot next to the shallow tide pools and gently kiss her shoulder while watching her mix colors and sand. Now her shoulders tensed and closed in on themselves.

"Leah." Her given name felt just as strange to his ears as it felt to say it.

She bristled further, but still said nothing. He knew better than to push her. Emily's face bore the physical marks of Sam's phasing, but Leah's heart bore the emotional brunt of it. He hated himself for that. His distaste for the vampires went beyond the natural animosity between the two species. The Cullens and their kind had derailed everything he had planned, hurting everyone he loved in the process. Emily, Harry, Leah…..his only comfort was that Harry, who had been like a father to him, hadn't lived to truly see the bitterness Sam caused in Leah. Harry and Sue Clearwater had both known Sam's secret and understood, so their daughter's heartbreak had been magnified tenfold by what she felt was betrayal by her entire family.

Her phasing had coincided with her father's heart attack and Sam had known it was her the moment her telepathic connection linked her to the pack. The familiarity had knocked him backward, he hadn't experienced that with the others. He'd immediately phased and run after her, not allowing the others near her. He could feel her fear and rage, but instincts had immediately drawn her to the redhead stalking her father.

She had been magnificent….

 _When he crept up on her at the cliffs, she growled and paced, warning him off._ It's okay, _he soothed._ Leah, it's me.

 _She whined and pawed at the ground in pain and tensed again once the others showed up behind him. Back, he ordered. He approached again and phased, nude before her, crouched on his haunches and holding his palms out._ It's me. It's okay.

 _It wasn't really though. He already knew Harry was gone._

 _She relaxed enough, or gave up, one of the two, and slumped. Her naked body curled into itself and she shook while glaring at him underneath the long veil of hair covering her face._

It's okay _. He wanted to shield her from the eyes of the boys, but before he could move, she lunged at him with a grief stricken shriek. He clasped her and pulled her against his own body protectively and cupped the back of her neck, his own tears streaking his cheeks._ Shhhhhhhh. _She fought him, her fists now actually able to bruise when she beat against his chest, but he held her tight._ Shhhhhh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

 _He was sorry. He'd never stop being sorry. Sorry for Harry, sorry for breaking her, sorry that this burden was now hers. The truth did not set him free. He felt her pain through the chord that now bound them, and he would have endured this secret a thousand years if it meant that she could've been spared this life._

 _She finally stopped fighting him and collapsed against him sobbing, and he lifted her like a child. He nodded off the pack while holding her possessively._ Go. I've got her.

Watching her now, Sam again approached her slowly and slipped down to his haunches. "I made my peace with Jacob, and I asked you to meet me here so I can do the same with you."

"I'm not coming back to the pack."

Her curt words cut him deeply. He admired her strength in leaving and understood why, but for all the younger boys' inability to understand her, he felt her absence keenly. He'd wanted her back for the sole reason that he still thought of her as his. "You'll always be pack, Leah. You always have been."

Leah's brushstroke paused and her face softened at the memories of their early kinship. "Was it ever real?"

"Yes," he blurted. Sam had to assure her that his love for her still ran as deep as it ever did. That holding her naked form against his after her initial phasing had still affected him. That racing through the woods with her at his side felt as natural as it had a when they were children. They'd been drawn to each other since infancy. "It's always been me and you. I think our wolves have always known each other." He studied the deep texture red on the canvas before admitting, "That's something I'm never going to share with Emily."

A single tear rolled down Leah's cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb, but she jerked away. "Stop touching me."

He cupped her face between his hands and made her look at him. "No, because you're going to understand something first."

She froze, not fighting him, but not being able to meet his gaze.

He took a deep breath, knowing his words were going to hurt. "Emily is my life now."

Leah's lip trembled.

"She's my soulmate, that will never change," he continued. "But you're the love of my life." His voice grew haggard, the weight of the past few years wearing on him. "And the thing is with great loves, you don't always get to be with them. They're always the ones that you would be with if circumstances were different."

Leah had been the one Sam had chosen. His heart had wanted her since they were kids. He imprinted on Emily because she was who his wolf needed. He needed her calm and sweetness to settle the rage of his soul, but that didn't mean he'd forgotten Leah. She'd stirred the man in him and made the quiet boy from the broken home the leader he would be. She was too strong to calm the blackness in him. Where Leah was fire, Emily was ice. There was always going to be two halves of him.

For the first time, Leah looked into his eyes and he was immediately haunted. They both knew this was goodbye, but it was her eyes he saw in his dreams at night when he held Emily. Slowly, he brought his lips to hers. The chord that had been broken when she left the pack was temporarily reestablished, and her mind brushed against his with the warmth of an old friend as he allowed her access to what he saw while he slept. He knew the dreams were visions, hazy glimpses of the life he would've had – maybe should've had – before his path had become forked. In every one, there was a little girl with his smile and Leah's eyes. He would catch glimpses of Leah as well – long hair whipping across his cheek, a soft caress…her round belly pregnant with what he somehow knew was a boy. He never knew their names, to give names would give life, and they danced on the outskirts of existence. But knowing they existed somewhere, even just within the protection of his dreams, was enough for him, though the birth of the Cullens' own sweet little girl made it hard to swallow.

Children were something else he might never share with Emily and, possibly, Leah would not with whomever she eventually imprinted on. There was so much they didn't know. Selfishly, it gave them both comfort that they would always share that little girl and unborn little boy. Fresh tears spilled down Leah's cheeks and she laid a hand on her currently barren womb. Sam gave her one last chaste kiss and pressed his forehead to hers. _"I love you"_ was on the tip of his tongue, but he knew they were the last words he should ever utter to her again. Instead, he settled on what she needed to hear before wiping the tears away with his thumbs and walking away.

"Goodbye."


End file.
